I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
