there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
