i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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