I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
