dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Randomize
