clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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