the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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