If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
