this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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