Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize