I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
