The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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