Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
