The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
