When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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