I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
