My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Randomize
