Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
