I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
