Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
