WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize