u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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