last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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