Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
