I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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