I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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