he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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