did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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