I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
