I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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