i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
now i know why i became what i already was.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
