When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
