chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
