This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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