before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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