Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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