ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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