I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
