Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
