I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
