I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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