Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
this boner is exhausting
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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