Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
