please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
