I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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