hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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