Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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