i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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