I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
