So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
