I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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