He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
