I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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