Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
