UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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