There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
