Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
